When Life is Just another Round of Musical Chairs!!

** Note: Below is one of the posts which I had typed around 6/7 months ago but hadn't posted. So here goes! Start Music!! **

When you contemplate writing for a little less than two years, but you don't; and then you start typing, it feels really weird. Now that we have that out, maybe I can begin. :)

Hello hello hello! Welcome back [to me]! :)

What goes around, does come around. I think I wrote about it three posts ago, but since its been years since then - its still so true right? I came  back to the same topic now didn't I?

I've been thinking about this since Mr. Abdul Kalam Sirs death. How fortunate are those, they said, who die when they are doing something they love. How many of us get to die when we are dancing., singing, reading, watching movies, sleeping or doing what we love doing?  Not many, right? And those who do, we consider them lucky / blessed? I believed so too... But then, that's because how many of us actually do a lot of things that we love to do? We have modelled our life to be monotonous doing things we are supposed to be doing instead of doing things we love!

So the trick really is to keep on doing what you love, as much and as often as you can. This works out great because, as we know practice makes one better and we all know about the 10,000 hour rule don't we? (Refer Outliers the book). We humans are so strange; when life is haphazard we need a routine and when there is a routine, we crave for variety; we need drama. 

When we were kids, and were asked over and over about what do we want to do when we grow up, why weren't we asked who we wanted to be? How many of us have figured out what we want to do, for the rest of our lives? And have we figured out who we want to be? chances of us knowing who we don't want to be are higher than us actually figuring out who we DO want to be! I apologise for generalising; maybe people have that figured and I haven't yet! 

I've discussed in some old blogpost ( I'm typing on my phone and hence unable to link said post now)  about how I set goals and don't really complete them. It has lead me to confer that maybe I'm not in control of my life, my feelings etc. Is it really just laziness or is there something bigger in picture? I don't think I'm that lazy or that big a procrastinator that I cant complete personal projects. Because when I was at work or doing things for others I tend to complete everything required on time or before time and I work bloody hard at it. So if I can do it at work why can't I do the same for myself? 

Don't I love what I'm doing? Do I know what I love? What is scaring me the most is that I'm losing my creativity. The one thing that I could pride myself of, and if I don't have that anymore then what am I? Who am I? I hope it is just like the writers block I've had, and overcome it over a period of time. But that hasn't stopped it from making me crazy. 

That's why I think life is like playing musical chairs; we never know when the music will stop and what seat we'll get to sit on; is it the right seat? Is it the seat we wanted or the seat we needed? And who is in charge of music?? 😍☺️😍☺️

I AM [ Friendships ]

I have spoken a lot about my friends. I am just going to continue doing that.

:) 

Before that, Sharing this song. Listening to it on repeat and loving it more, each time I listen to it!

p.s: Anurag Kashyap is gonna be acting in this. I AM all excited, are you? :) 

I am in Bangalore for a friend's wedding. And this time, I actually had the time to catch up with most of the people I wanted to meet. Life changes so much, doesn't it? Its only been three years since we finished college in 2008. Most of them are getting married. Girls and Boys alike. Now, my parents are also concerned worried and behind my life regarding the whole marriage fiasco. I have stalled them for 3 years from now. But, my mom is relentless! :) :) I love her to bits! But there's only so much I can take. 

The whole thing about its the right time to get married and all of that. Who really knows whats the right time, and whats not? Shouldn't marriage happen when two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together decide to legalize their relationship? I have nothing against marriages where the parents decide and the children agree. All I'm asking is, why it is like that? A simple explanation would be more than sufficient. :)

Friends.

Last night, after attending my friend's reception, I had the most amazing time with one friend who is the only one I can talk talk to. The fact that I am that honest with him, is crazy. Not that I lie to my other friends, :p but I can think aloud with him, and more often than not, he'll know exactly what I meant to say. Phases, our friendship went through, looking back at them today, I felt it was necessary. Not all of it, but yes most of it. 

I made my share of mistakes. When, Harry Potter and The Half Blood Price was out, people around me, [mean mean ppl that they were] told me the suspense - that Dumbledore dies in the end. Now, this friend and I used to discuss the series, book by book. So, when he called and mentioned the half blood prince; assuming he was also going to tell me about Dumbledore's death, I like a kid complaining to its mom, said, ya ya, I know Dumbledore dies at the end, Snape kills him. He cut the call on me. I call him back and he doesn't pick for around half an hour, and then finally picks the phone and shouts at me for telling him the suspense. I try and explain why I did what I did, but no, he was furious, and rightfully so. I also was furious at the people who had told it to me; but my reaction wasn't even one tenth of his. That's how serious he was about Harry Potter! He had been angry with me in the past but nothing came close to this one. I immediately went to his place, with chocolates and I don't know what else; just so that he calms down and his anger subsides. I couldn't stand the thought of him being angry with me for even one day!

Cut to - Sometime last year, it had been aages since we had spoken to each other, and when I did, it was messed up. The tone wasn't right, the feeling wasn't right. I asked what was wrong, and he didn't tell me. I asked a couple more times, and after insisting a little more, he actually said, if I have to spell out what is wrong, I have nothing to say to you. It shattered me in a very different unexpected way. I really didn't know what was wrong. And what was even worse (according to me,) was I didn't do anything Immediately to rectify whatever it was that had gone wrong. I took help from time! Why I reacted the way I did, I'll never know. I think its the person I have become. Or. Maybe I didn't have the strength in me to fix it immediately with multiple things going on in life. 

Forever and Always!

All is well now! and I hope it remains this way forever and always coz' there's noone like him in my life. Weird and strange as it is, I love what we share and I wanted to share this here. It'll never be the same again, and it won't be much different in the future. What I love the most, is I can always pick it up from exactly where I left it. And its mutual. [I hope]. He is a major factor in who I AM today. Also, a major factor in who I AM with today [ coz I stuck to advice given by him aages ago, and am not moving on to listening to the new advice - which he'll give me(as promised) even if I don't comply - (I do listen and consider, promise.) to them ] 

Thank You, for being there! For being who you are! 

p.s: I could have spoken about thousand other things about us, have no clue why I chose to talk about this! Its just something about this blog, makes me keep typing things I hadn't thought of in the longest time!

Delhi Diaries Part III - Dreams

How important is a dream? How far would you go to make your dream come true?

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,

If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

Like Rudyard Kipling's poem, If I can dream, and not make dreams my master, I still want to make them come true, How would that be possible?

"Mehnat" [Hard-work] is something which I am unable to keep going everyday. More often than not, there are distractions, with I very easily fall prey to. Focus. I lack focus. And today, I don't know how to get focus onto my life. Like I have mentioned here and here and here.

The base, somewhere, is that I am unable to keep myself happy for a set period of time. There always seems to be something or the other that creeps up and F*#@s with my head. The fact that I keep everyone and everything other than me, at a higher priority, I seem to be unable to achieve what I want. The minute, no, the second, I feel like I am keeping me higher than the other person, I feel completely selfish, and then do more than whats required, to make up to the person/situation which I might have not given a higher priority at first. 

And every such thing obviously takes all my me time, and I am left with goals and deadlines which I try and make for myself get postponed indefinitely. I am not complaining, nor am I saying, I don't like to do what I do, When I give others my priority, these others are not people off the street, but they are people who are extremely extremely dear to me. My mom always says, I should learn to keep myself first, coz, somewhere over the years she has forgotten how to give that to herself. 

Have I gotten it from her?

Or do I simply have a major inferiority complex?

I think it is the latter too, [if thats what u're thinking]. If its academics, or work, I know I can achieve it, come what may. If I have a deadline to meet, I will not sleep the entire night, to get it done. When it comes to studies, and I know I have to do it, I did. When I had a choice, I sometimes ended on the easier route. Procrastination - thats the word! I think I have been procrastinating certain things for so long, that it has become a part of life. 

I have accepted the fact that, there are no shortcuts anymore.Still, Why? Why haven't I been able to focus, and achieve my dream. 

At this juncture in life, I feel that all my dreams, all my ambitions, every single thing is dependent on this one dream. It might even cure me of my other problems. Then why? Have you seen True Blood? Season 1? In that a lady removes the demon from within a drunk lady. She doesn't really do anything, but it still works. Faith. Because of faith. Today, I am not only lacking Focus, I am also lacking Faith. I feel in a major major way like a loser in life. 

And I hate it. I hate losing. I hate this feeling. Being at this place, makes it feel, like I have noone, NOone, noOne, who'll really listen to what I have to say, and that makes me lose my conviction, in my own speech. Confidence, which is such a major portion of me, seems to be slipping away too. And I am trying very heard to not let that go.

With this heavy heart, I just don't want to type anymore. Hopefully the next time I sit to write, there's more positivity in what I want to say. 

Maybe the Delhi winters have dampened my spirits, in more ways than one! Life is to be lived and loved. It should be fun and frolic. 

It. Will. Be.

Remember Me!

Thank God Edward Cullen is a Vampire! 

It hurts so much to see Robert Pattinson die; even though they haven't shown him dead!!

Of the many movies I watched these days, I think I liked Remember me the best. It said so much more than I think the movie was trying to say. And I didn't like it just because it had Robert Pattinson in it; He's good yes, but the movie on the whole was very well made.

Watching movies - Bollywood or Hollywood has been my favorite pass-time, and in the last few years, we have seen many many movies which had stories to tell which revolved around the 9/11 attack. But most stories I had seen or read, were those which happened after the attack, or something close and how it impacted the characters in the movie. But this was different. Pierce Brosnan played a very good character, the tough daddy, the throw he had, the passion, lovely. Emile de Ravin - I haven't seen Roswell or Lost [ I know, its bad.. I'll catch up ;) ] but man, was she a surprise or what? She pretty! To think she'll be 30 next year scares me!! 

The movie talks about death. of. loved. ones. In different ways, it talks about difficulty. And through it all it shows love. That strange love which cannot be described in words. The love between a brother and sister is also handled with such sensitivity that I was almost in tears. 

The Best part OBVIOUSLY Was Robert. 

His eyes. His smile. They talk different languages at the same time! There are scenes in which his dialogue is something, his eyes are saying something else and his mouth is doing something else. On someone else it might have looked weird. But on him. ah! to. die. for!!!!!!! 

A small thing from the movie; I love what it says.

Whatever you do in life will be
insignificant but it is very
important that you do it because...

You can't know...

You can't ever really know the
meaning of your life...

And you don't need to...
Just know that your life has a meaning...

Every life has a meaning... whether
it lasts one hundred years or one
hundred seconds...

Every life... And every death... changes the
world in its own way...

Gandhi knew this. He knew his life
would mean something to someone,
somewhere, somehow. And he knew
with as much certainty that he
could never know that meaning...
He understood that enjoying life
should be of much greater concern
then understanding it.
And so do I.

You can't know...

So don't take it for granted...
But don't take it too seriously...

*Don't postpone what you want...
*Don't leave anything misunderstood...
*Make sure the people you care about know...
Make sure they know how you really feel...

Because just like that...

IT COULD END

Hope this post made some sense. 

Confusion: does it require a Confession?

Not having a goal in life leads to confusion... with most of the important decisions in life!

I have no place of my own; physically and in people's lives, except you( my love )!

I don't know where to go... I keep screwing up stuff.. and it hurts... but I still am true to myself ( i think )!

Now;I have goals.. the only thing is that I am not doing anything about it!! I should start!!! when???????

Ok..sorry if i have confused you.. but I am sort of thinking in print!! 

BTW.. I am in love.. and that is not going to change.. ( again.... I think )

ONE YEAR!

17 November 2008 - was a bright Monday morning!! I was sooo excited

from the night before, that I couldn't sleep all night. I was on a conference call with my friends till about 3-4 in the morning [ which was a usual thing for me .. ] and then laid on my bed awake till my alarm at 6:40 a.m started playing my favorite song.

 I woke up, got dressed and left home on my "Activa"  zooming into the cold gusts of wind on a Cold but bright Bangalore Morning. 

I reached on-time. Nervous, with butterflies in my stomach, but a BIG SMILE on my face I entered the premises and saw a big board on the wall. IBM India Pvt. Ltd. My first day at work was this very day last year. 

IBM has been a wonderful journey and the last one year has been superlative - well obviously rite? who wouldn't like a job where we got paid for the first two months just to introduce ourselves to each other n have fun?? :)!! That's what we did!

We were called "Vitality Hires" - and I personally had no idea how that would impact my stay here, but in those initial days, it was considered something really special.

It was very unusual, the experiences we had, during our training days. We had an Outward - bound learning and team-building stints at PEGASUS. 20 people of which almost everyone was new to each other were sent to a 2 day camp were there were loads of tasks, planning and Bonding that happened!

And post that we had 6 months of rigorous training on all the services, service product lines, brands, sub brands in IBM. We met leaders of IBM not only from India, but also leaders from Asia and Australia. From Servers to Software, From Applications to services we were shown a view of IBM which included  everything but still wasn't enough.

I think the best part of the whole journey was the friends we made. We have a kind of connect with each other which is in-explainable!! I love them to bits and today when all of us are distributed across the country, I miss the presence of each and everyone who isn't with me in Mumbai. And for those who're here - my life here has been wonderful mainly mainly because of them!!!

Those funny/crazy outings in Bangalore, the tea-breaks and lunch breaks in office, cribbing about staying late inside office and staying out for looong hours after office, the "booze" parties, the "only girls" parties, the birthday surprises, the fights, the arguments, the hugs every morning and every evening, the looong conversations by the 6th floor window, the pictures we clicked without any rhyme or reason, the stay-overs(for me), the bike rides, the skits, the videos, the "presentations", victory, failure, bliss, disappointment, the "Sametime" conversations.... Every single thing in that happened during those days - I miss them!! But I am glad I got to do all these things!!

It doesn't seem like a long time, when, I think of all the things that has happened this year on a personal and a career front. Well this was the only year I had a career - so... :) Thank you IBM! for everything, but most importantly for the friends it gave me!!

Love you guys Loads!!!!!

Moving from One place to another : houses and in life!

Last Sunday, I finally shifted from my aunts place to a small flat, which I'll be sharing with 3 other girls!! Yes, the same house I was talking about here, if you recollect!

For the first time, I have been living with complete strangers, and although my well-wishers and friends were skeptical about this decision of mine, they've supported me, and the roomies are awesomme! :D :D!!

So what if they are 4-5 years older than me? They have lived on their own for such a long time, and are there to guide me, and help me not make the same mistakes they made when they were new! They're loads of fun!

Ok, So why haven't I been blogging lately? No, I haven't been busy with my roommates, I wish I was though, I had been away to another aunt's place coz' it was long overdue. And after that I did something which I really can't say here, Because, a) its much much worse ( or better, depends on how you take it) than this and this and b) If I tell you, then I'd have to Kill you! :P but mainly it is c) Its too personal and I cannot share it here, yet, but whatever it was, it was simply amazing!!!!!

Love this Pic - that's the 4 of us in Goa, and another one who clicked this!!

Life was at cross-roads some days ago, and now it is crystal clear. Why do things happen when you least expect it? Have you ever felt that before? That you are looking for something, with all your heart and soul, and when you don't find it, all the passion seems to die down, and then from nowhere, miraculously, you feel that your questions have been answered!

And it need not always be a good thing. The same can happen when its not such a good thing too. But right now, its the good things we'll focus on! :)

In general, in a relationship, when things aren't perfect, or not going your way, why does the person end up being blamed? Why not the situation? When you have loved someone so dearly, why would you belittle them because of some non-important thing? And why is it that, when you've decided not to love anymore, you cannot not love that person, who taught you what love is? Who was there in your journey learning, along with you about love? Isn't life all about finding happiness in small things? Isn't life about making tiny compromises [ with or without your liking in it] but living it nevertheless?

What makes us, the "know-all" about life n love anyway? We are all learning every single day of our lives, aren't we?? Is it wrong to change your opinion? Can decisions once taken not be changed when you actually see the impact of a probable wrong decision? It is about moving on... from "here" to "there".

And what matters are those people who are with you, "here" and "there", and also those who were only "here", but not there, coz they've helped you get "there" in some way or the other, and about people who are going to be "there" who will make "there" better than "here" or the other way round, but you end up gaining! Experience. You stand a winner, no matter what you've been through - either "here" or "there"! :)

P.S: I have no idea how I started talking about stuff here!! ;) I think its the blog magic!! I'd love to hear from you guys about my haphazard state of mind anyway:) :) :)

It just isn't the same!

Another Blast from the Past!

This weekend of the many many things I did, I also met with one of my closest friends from Bangalore! I was meeting her after a couple of years. Strange, I was in B'lore till about 5 months earlier and we hadn't met once. And now, in another place, another place in life we meet.

You cannot help but notice how much the other person has changed from the last time you met them. We used to be "best friends" in school. We used to do everything together, used to tell everything to each other. There wasn't a single thing about each other that we didn't know. We even fell in "love" (who knows what love was when they're in class 9-10) with the same guy! :P :). Yes, it did create an awkwardness later; but we worked it out. Then, something happened. Till this day, I have no idea regarding what the something was, but the events that followed that "something" was very disturbing to my entire being, that we drifted apart.

After class 10 we were in different junior colleges, and the worlds we lived in were very apart. Most of my friends/fellow school mates were together with me in junior college, and everyone knew we used to be best friends, and everyone always asked me how she was doing, what she was doing and those other questions people always ask during small talk. Yes, we were in touch again, and we knew what the other was doing, but it wasn't the same.

I had many many many other friends, and so did she. We met few times, we updated each other about all major events in life like - getting asked out, saying yes, examination results, winning the dance competition, buying a new two wheeler, breaking up, getting back, health of family, what our brothers are doing, and wishing each other on birthdays, new years, valentine's and friendship days. But, it wasn't the same. There was a proverb which she had told me when we were in class 8 - "Friendship is like a vase, once broken can be rejoined, but the crack remains!" I tried very hard to correct it, to make things back to how it was, I couldn't.

Now, after 7 years of not being "best friends" to still be able to connect with each other feels wonderful! Busy in lives of our own, to take time out, sit by the sea with the waves hitting the shore and the wind touching your cheek ever so softly and sharing thoughts and ideas about life is a peaceful feeling.

the two of us with the sea was in front of us :)

Today, I am happy it isn't the same. Because if it was, then we couldn't have experienced something so beautiful. The best part still, is to be able to sit with each other, not say a thing, and still feel the other persons presence. We aren't those girls who used to stand next to each other in the assembly in school every morning; we aren't those who sit next to each other at lunch every afternoon; we are not the girls who walk around the school campus dragging the cycle every evening; well, not anymore! But we still are those girls who at the end of every telephonic conversation fight about who's going to cut the call, and then alternatively say 1,2,3 and simultaneously "bye" and cut the call together - something we have been doing from when we were in class 4!! :) :D

Happy Tuesday Everyone!!

Do you Plan?

Just a thought!

When we plan for life, what is it that we are really trying to achieve?

And what about the plan Life has for each one of us?

Which plan are we moving according to?

And why is planning necessary, or is it??

Well these thoughts made their way into my head today, again! I wanted to put them down before I forget!! By the way, I had an amaazing weekend!!! Danced for about 2-2n a half hours without a break after a loong time!!! :D I love dancing and will do something about it; *plan, but too sceptical to use that word here!!*

Since this post is mainly of questions; I'd like yo know if you had answers;;

What should I expect out of Mumbai?

Yes, Long time since I claimed to do this more often, Can't really help I guess!! :)

To get a Job in IBM is one thing; to get a IT company to give a girl from Bangalore a job posting in Mumbai is another!! Lots of people have asked me this : Why Mumbai??
- is it because u were born here?
- or because u have loads of relatives here?
- or because you want to stay away from home??

The answer has always been the fourth option : None of these

A great person once said "Spend atleast 6 months of ur life in Bombay. Else you'll never know what you missed! trust me on this one."

So I came here, to find out what I missed! I have always wanted to live in another city away from home. The city could've been anything.. Delhi, Kolkata, Jaipur, So that option couldn't answer the why Mumbai part! The question it answered was why not B'lore!! ;-)

I have been waiting to experience what I missed; Its just been a couple of weeks now.. and I'm here for more than Six months! So lets wait n watch, what say?

So, What should I expect out of Mumbai?