Thursday, December 9, 2010

Delhi Diaries Part III - Dreams

How important is a dream? How far would you go to make your dream come true?

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

Like Rudyard Kipling's poem, If I can dream, and not make dreams my master, I still want to make them come true, How would that be possible?

"Mehnat" [Hard-work] is something which I am unable to keep going everyday. More often than not, there are distractions, with I very easily fall prey to. Focus. I lack focus. And today, I don't know how to get focus onto my life. Like I have mentioned here and here and here.

The base, somewhere, is that I am unable to keep myself happy for a set period of time. There always seems to be something or the other that creeps up and F*#@s with my head. The fact that I keep everyone and everything other than me, at a higher priority, I seem to be unable to achieve what I want. The minute, no, the second, I feel like I am keeping me higher than the other person, I feel completely selfish, and then do more than whats required, to make up to the person/situation which I might have not given a higher priority at first. 

And every such thing obviously takes all my me time, and I am left with goals and deadlines which I try and make for myself get postponed indefinitely. I am not complaining, nor am I saying, I don't like to do what I do, When I give others my priority, these others are not people off the street, but they are people who are extremely extremely dear to me. My mom always says, I should learn to keep myself first, coz, somewhere over the years she has forgotten how to give that to herself. 

Have I gotten it from her?

Or do I simply have a major inferiority complex?

I think it is the latter too, [if thats what u're thinking]. If its academics, or work, I know I can achieve it, come what may. If I have a deadline to meet, I will not sleep the entire night, to get it done. When it comes to studies, and I know I have to do it, I did. When I had a choice, I sometimes ended on the easier route. Procrastination - thats the word! I think I have been procrastinating certain things for so long, that it has become a part of life. 

I have accepted the fact that, there are no shortcuts anymore.Still, Why? Why haven't I been able to focus, and achieve my dream. 

At this juncture in life, I feel that all my dreams, all my ambitions, every single thing is dependent on this one dream. It might even cure me of my other problems. Then why? Have you seen True Blood? Season 1? In that a lady removes the demon from within a drunk lady. She doesn't really do anything, but it still works. Faith. Because of faith. Today, I am not only lacking Focus, I am also lacking Faith. I feel in a major major way like a loser in life. 

And I hate it. I hate losing. I hate this feeling. Being at this place, makes it feel, like I have noone, NOone, noOne, who'll really listen to what I have to say, and that makes me lose my conviction, in my own speech. Confidence, which is such a major portion of me, seems to be slipping away too. And I am trying very heard to not let that go.

With this heavy heart, I just don't want to type anymore. Hopefully the next time I sit to write, there's more positivity in what I want to say. 

Maybe the Delhi winters have dampened my spirits, in more ways than one! Life is to be lived and loved. It should be fun and frolic. 

It. Will. Be.