Monday, August 31, 2009


All of a sudden I realize what I have always known! Why is it so difficult to implement something? I have been wanting to get organized, but it has remained a want, only.

Let me make a list here so that I can keep tab, on me :

1. Clean My Room [ not that it isn't clean now, its just not clean
as I want it to be]

2. Wake up early [ I have been trying really hard ]

3. Start keeping tab of my daily activities [ money spent, food had etc. ]

4. De-clutter my mind so that I can work towards my next goals

5. Put the Organizer Kev gave me to better use.

6. Affirmations! [ an aid - which helps ]

And many more, which will be added as and when the posts get posted.

I saw some houses, to live in. None as nice as the first one! I hope I get to live there, then I'll get my mode of transport also! Life is getting weirder. Remember I said, I am unable to have a decent conversation with anyone; well, I am able, its just that I am finding it difficult to have a "decent" conversation. My mind is filled with ungodly things - which again can be helped only by de-cluttering it.

Like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I know what I am supposed to be doing; the only unanswered question remains : WHY am I not doing it? and I am doing things which I am not supposed to do. For instance, conversations with certain people can be avoided late at night. Why?

Why don't they understand? I want everyone to be happy. I would do anything, go any lengths, against my own will, if need be, to make someone happy. But then why do I find myself to be helpless, when the solution is in my reach? Is wanting something wrong?

Goodness, this post has so much negativity, and that is so not me! I think I need a place to vent out these emotions, and how much ever correct, this blog seems to be, I shouldn't be doing it!

I love the small things in life! I love looking at the smile the watchman gives you, when you say "good morning" to him, the look the maid gives you, when you buy chocolates for her kids, the reaction you get from a friend when you tell them you missed them, asking a friend for a hug and actually getting it!!, water being exactly as hot / warm as you want it - like it secretly knows all about you - ;-), the plants in the garden just after it has rained, your mom's voice and excitement when she watches the song on TV which you've made her dance to, getting a SMS from a unknown number -who's actually just a friend who's checking on you - if you still remember how to flirt ;-) , the smell of the ground when it rains, the look your dog gives you when you come home after a long day @ work and many many other small things.

They remind me of learning to be happy, even if it is for a small time. I just remembered to add something to my to do list :

7. Stop talking non-sense, and actually think before saying something.

8. Keep a reminder check, as to what has to be said to whom.

I don't know if this blog has made any sense, I have been typing and words have been flowing. I have been reading many blogs, and I am in love with a certain Love story project, by a fellow popular blogger, which I shall talk about, hopefully, in my next post!

I also love watching the halogen balloons being left in the sky, the heart shape , the stars in the sky and also *sheepish grin* talking to the moonlight! :P

I want to dance, badly!!! So, I am playing music rite now and.... Dhan te Nan........*dancing* :D See you, when I see you!


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Truly Madly Deeply!

Back to the present! I have spoken enough about the past and its high time I get back to today. It sounds funny doesn't it? "Back to the present" Nevermind that. Happy Festival people! Ganpathi and Ramadan. :-)

I have been attending the GSB Seva Mandal's Ganpathi Celebrations here in Mumbai, and everyday it surprises me, in some way or another. First of all, the sheer size of the Idol, Gigantic!
Then, the number of people who actually come there, huge! 12:15 a.m on the third night, and still, people around are equal in number to the people who were present at around 7:00 p.m. And everyday, different people, diffierent communities.

There's a standing joke amongst all the GSB's, that the number of people from other communities are so huge, that, from Gowd Saraswath Brahmins, GSB in Mumbai will soon mean, Gujrathi, Sindhi and Bunts! Its nice catching up with family in the nights, I don't get to stay the whole day obviously because of work.

I didn't even imagine I'd like doing this so much. In Bangalore, I would have visited our Math(Kashi Math - the community temple) for one day and for, like, five minutes. Just go, pray and get back home, or out somewhere with friends! I miss Pooj's place ka Ganpathi and meeting all of Pooj's friends and relatives.

But one thing suddenly hit me, all of a sudden, when I was in the crowded pendal last night! Looking at all the people over there, I felt so completely alone and helpless. Why alone? Coz' I didn't have one person there who I could call my own, and why helpless? Coz' I actually have sooo many people (relative's and fellow community people) who could (and would) be there for me, as my people(of sorts), and I didn't want to be with anyone.

There's something which has been disturbing me from quite sometime, and I am unable to figure out what! I have been trying and trying, and I thought writing about it might help me. Well, lets wait and watch! :-)

I am also finding it difficult to have a proper decent conversation with anyone. Me! Someone who cannot shut up! I have no idea what I am supposed to say to whom. According to Mani - I need a new set of friends! How well she knows me. I am the curious kind. Inquisitive about everything I am not supposed to know about. If there's something available directly, I woudn't be as interested in it, as I would be if it was something I found out! :P

I think its high time I de-clutter my head! I am looking at shifting houses too! I am praying I get the one near office. It'll really be of huge help. I spoke to someone I wasn't supposed to speak to, today. And now, I am feeling guilty about it.

So, now why Truly Madly Deeply? Because I am truly trying hard to make things better with me! I am Madly in love with nothing or noone and I need to fix that soon ;-)! and Deeply, Coz' yet again I am Deeply in Awe of the city which has accepted me for who I am and for the versatility and strength the city has!

Thats it for now! Signing off! Will write soon, Again!! :-)


Friday, August 21, 2009

SKARD = F.R.I.E.N.D.S!! :D

Names have been changed to protect the identity of the Individuals

Friends you make when you're in school are completely different from the friends you make later on in Life! These school friends know you long enough that it doesn't seem necessary to know if they know you well enough, You'll always have that connection with them, no matter what!

I have had loads of friends through all the roads in life and everyone has had some impact on my life[big or small]. Right now I want to talk about one set of my friends - [yes, more often than not, I've had sets of friends] who made somewhat larger impact in my life. And why the impact was larger, was because, the age was such, the environment was such and the things we did were such!!

Today all of us are in different places in our lives, and I don't know about them, but I still have a deep connection with them, and can relate to them, the same way I could in those two years of my life!

I was out of school and wanted to go to a good college[well, who doesn't?]. My school had a college of its own, and it was one of the better colleges in the city. [atleast then it was one of the better - dunno about now.. :-P ;-) ]
So, what was the problem?? I didn't want to Join that college, I wanted to be in a cooler college, and not in a academically wonderful college! But fate had other plans and I joined the college in my school!

And with a class with more than 50% of students from my school - read friends - were with me, I met these new people from different schools, and different stations in life. Sharon, Kid, Adam and Rachael. Sharon and Kid bunked college the first day! And that actually became News! From the most popular schools is B'lore, they were a bit too much for the KK crowd. I was amazed. I was curious. I wanted to know them better. So, there I was shaking hands with Kid and thinking, his hands are sooo big, his voice is too loud! ;-). Next day, Sharon sits next to me through class, but since the languages opted by us were diferent, we had to sit in different classes. When she came back, she was with Rachael! This girl is not hot, not cute and not plain pretty. Rachael is simply put - "beautiful." With her long hair, amazing smile and those innocent eyes, I thought how come I didn't notice her before. Sorry rach! :)

Adam, don't really remember how I met him, one day after class, through another common friend, he was introduced to us.

Slowly, it started. Bunking boring classes and Cafe Coffee Day! Through all this, I also had lots and lots of friends from my school too who were dear friends. Some of them were shocked when I was hanging out with my new friends, and the others were just plain normal. We were rebels of sorts. It used to be major major fun together. Bowling, Coffee Day, Freeway19, Sweet Chariot Cafe, Kinetic rides to nowhere, sitting in Sharon's place for hours together, sitting next to each other the whole day in class and going back home and calling each other up and talking for hours over phone. Things were happening too fast.

Then Drama happened. Adam, Kid n Me were a part of the troupe. Sharon and rachael didn't join us. During this, we had new nice additions to our group. VJ, Zen, VG, Porno, Sin and Kids' lady loves. I loved the new gang. I cannot describe what happened during the 4 months of drama practice because of our oath. "what happens at Vegas, Stays in Vegas"!! But - "those were the best days of my life".. :) [Adam this is for you]. For all the ups n downs we had during drama practice - we won!! [did i mention it was a state level competition?? ] We came first!! Aah! what joy!

But still, my favorite memories of that year, was Sharon's Birthday and my birthday party!!!! :D Sharon's party was loads of fun!! with bowling and coffee and other spirits! For my party, I had invited all my friends. School friends, Childhood friends, Drama friends, Dance friends and ofcourse the SKARD gang! My favorite cousin was also present that day!! :-)!! And the events which followed both these parties were awesome! People not being in their senses, people falling in love, people falling out of love. There was sooo much drama in our lives at that point of time, that "the drama" we took part in, seemed very regular!

Then there was second year of college, which apart from serious studies to get into professional colleges contained a roller coaster ride for all of us! Hearts were broken, new relationships were made. Slowly, steadily, without any realisation, all of us started getting detached. At first we didn't realise it, but it hit us! [well atleast me] I was addicted to the gang, and then we were all away. I am still in touch with all of them and I still love them with all my heart. What I learnt in those two years still define a major part of who I am today!

Friends to me, are Extremely essential. My family has always told me that if I did half of what I did for my friends for family, then they'd be the happiest people in the world! I haven't been able to - make them the happiest people in the world. That doesn't mean I don't love my family!! :) I do. I'd do anything for them, I just haven't got the opportunity! Its just the Aquarian in me who can love sooo many people! What happened to all my friends? They are and they will always remain - No matter what!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

On My Own!

" On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm lonely
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own..."
- Les Miserables

I love this song! Amazing Lyrics, Innit??
Questions? Who? why? when? where? How??
Who do I love like this?
Why do I love him like this?
When will I find him?
Where will I find him?
How can someone like me ask for something like this???

Ok... sorry for messing with your head[and mine]!! ;-)
I love the song because Joey sings it in the beauty contest, and Dawson realizes that she is the one for him! For all the unrequited love Joey had for him all those years, he stops looking at her as Joey-his best friend he grew up with, and looks at her as the beautiful woman she has become!!

Dawson's Creek! I started watching this, once in a while, when it used to air on Zee Cafe-Old School. Then it became a regular feature, watching it everyday. Slowly it turned into an addiction. I had to know what happens next, even if it was an old show, and I was watching just the re-runs. Every time I googled, it had to be Dawson and Joey, or Joey and Pacey, similar was my encounter with You-tube every time I was online.

Through all this madness, there was something which came about, which I thought would reduce my Obsession with Dawson's Creek. Twiz!!! I worshipped this site. It had the scripts of all the episode along with the dialogues of Dawson's Creek!! On the contrary to what I believed, this just fuelled my obsession. I had to read it, day in-day out! I even started talking like the characters. I knew I needed to stop!

I loved Joey(Katie Holmes), I still do! Her character, integrity, beliefs, her simplicity and most importantly, her thoughts on Love changed my life, in a huge way!

I was so into Dawson's creek, that, during exams [yes, exams] that for every half an hour I studied, I had to read one episode of DC. That's the only way I could sit through the night, and prepare for my exams. Unfortunately, that was the first time in my engineering college tenure, that I did not get a Distinction. I got one every semester until that! [6th semester] I blamed the tough question papers and the outrageous correction done by the examiners[they take 3 min to correct a paper you write for 3 hours-which you've studied in 3 months of a semester-Outrageous] and the fact that my peers, who do well generally, had not done so well too! But I knew I hadn't prepared like I should've prepared for them.

And I think it is precisely then, that I started falling out of love with this guy, I was with then. It was just the beginning for me. In a previous post, I have mentioned how I had a guy who would do anything for me, the same guy I fell out of love with, is the best guy-ever! why? he knew how much I loved DC, he actually arranged for getting it shipped to the UK, and all the way to B'lore-as a surprise for me!! By it I mean, "All Six Seasons of Dawson's Creek Original Series on DVD"

Then, I didn't just read Dawson's Creek, I also saw it!! Every single episode!! :-D!! But from the time, my journey of falling out till the time I got the DVDs, lots had changed! I couldn't get back to being the girl I was, before Dawson's Creek! Life had taken a whole new turn. My values and belief system was changed. My behaviour, my words, my actions gave me completely drastic and different reactions from the people I had in my life!

My friends were happy with the change, they said it was very much needed. These friends mainly being people I knew before Engineering and some friends who I met through engineering[Love you guys!!]. And then there were my other friends, friends I used to hang out on a regular basis, and a friend who was my first and best friend, who disagreed with my thoughts and actions, saying I was behaving differently, and should go back to how things were!

When you are in a relationship, you make new friends, and you also grow, don't you? So when people in a relationship have grown and changed, how easy is it to be in love with that person? Especially when the changes are not happily accepted.

Isn't it unfair, expecting the partner to be who they were initially and not accept the new person they've become? Well, then who do you love? The image of the person you fell in love with, or the person who they are today? Is this the reason for all the breaks in relationships, the divorces and the unhappy marriages today?

Because I think, cheating on your spouse, being an alcoholic or all those other reasons people come up with for their break-ups, underlying somewhere is this - that you don't accept them for who they are, you expect them to be who they want you to be!

And then there are those people who try, try to be who their loved ones want them to be... they encounter peace and harmony with their partner in the initial stages, but then, till when can one pretend to be someone the are not! Best would be not to change at all, not to grow, not to learn! That probably happens in an alternate universe, not ours, rite?

I started this blog to be something, and it so happens that during the process of me writing this blog, things in my head changed!

So, today, On my Own, with the guy only in my imagination{as the song suggests}, I walk on this journey, falling, getting up, falling again and slowly rising and in the process, learning a lot of new things. So, if you know me today, I might not be the same me tomorrow, but I'd surely love you, like I do today!! :-)