Thursday, December 30, 2010

Delhi Diaries IV - December

Remember, last December when I was in Delhi? No? Well read here!! :)

Sooo many things happened completely unplanned last December! This year, its been quite different. There were many things planned; but none of them materialized. :( . Its the strangest thing. You so badly want for something to happen, and all of a sudden, that power to want is taken from you. I have been a mess of sorts the last couple of weeks, and hoped that the year would end on a better note. 

That clearly does not seem possible too. 

What good has come of it? Life has given me a sort of filter; where in I get to know the people around me. The ones who are in my life - for a reason, season or a lifetime. Its an eye opener of sorts; and I think I needed one!

Who am I to complain? the week before these two weeks have been fab! I've had loads n loads of fun!! The fun actually started one night, when I was sitting and talking to friends, about love, life, work, studies, relationships, philosophies and other like subjects.. It was a long conversation, and in that conversation One of my friends said something that stayed back with me. 

He said (i don't remember the exact words, but) "Friends we make and decide to keep, are of our choice. We do not have a obligation to be nice to the whole world, just because man is a social being" or something which meant the same. 

The discussion we were having, started basically between differences between people of North India and South India. [ and as usual, I was the sole representative of the South!] The conversation revolved around, how, people in North India have a disagreement, or a argument( which they do ever so often :P) and keep their stand, till one of them emerges the winner. Down South, when people have these kind of differences, and end up arguing, more often than not, they let go, and are back to being normal. So if someone is rude today, and he/she comes n talks to u normally tomorrow, the sensibility will be in talking back normally, like nothing ever happened. But up here, if someone is rude to you today, and comes and talks normally the next day, you become rude, and keep it that way. Until, there is an intervention of other people, mostly friends, who TRY n sort things out, or force them to let go, OR some miracle happens.

I think thats why, People up north are said to be more aggressive than the people down south; who are more sensible. I relate to the southern patterns more, coz, thats where I have been most of my life. I am nice to everybody. Even those people who I might have fought with. Even those people who have said really mean things about me. I cry at night, tell a few friends about it; but end of it, was back to normal with whoever it was who said whatever. 

I don't know if this model works everywhere. Coz it sure as hell does not work here. Being nice is seen as a weakness, and people take advantage of it!! Is it really true, that you have to be mean in today's world to get your job done? Do nice people really come last? I'm scared. Very Very Scared. I haven't been this scared of even my dad!!! 

I thought, and then thought some more, as to why I am still friends with those people? Why am I still compelling myself to be in amicable terms with everyone in life? The answer, my dear friends is, I don't know any other way. 

Its true. I don't like something in someone. I cannot go and tell that someone to stop doing what he/she is doing. Until and Unless I am really really close to that someone. And even then, I sometimes fear, if I'll lose the closeness, if I say something. But thats the real test, isn't it? SO for me to survive in this world, I am supposed to develop a little shrewdness, a little rude behavior, and a don't care attitude. Will I be able to pull that off? 

They say, Christmas is the season to be jolly, fra la la la la, la la la la..for me, its been anything but!

But - like they say, Jo bhi hota hai, acche ke liye hota hai! (whatever happens, happens for good) I am just waiting and watching what good comes out of my situation. 

There's so much more I want to write about, but its 4:05 a.m and I really really need to sleep!

A picture for sore eyes. I love it; hope u do too!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Delhi Diaries Part III - Dreams

How important is a dream? How far would you go to make your dream come true?

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

Like Rudyard Kipling's poem, If I can dream, and not make dreams my master, I still want to make them come true, How would that be possible?

"Mehnat" [Hard-work] is something which I am unable to keep going everyday. More often than not, there are distractions, with I very easily fall prey to. Focus. I lack focus. And today, I don't know how to get focus onto my life. Like I have mentioned here and here and here.

The base, somewhere, is that I am unable to keep myself happy for a set period of time. There always seems to be something or the other that creeps up and F*#@s with my head. The fact that I keep everyone and everything other than me, at a higher priority, I seem to be unable to achieve what I want. The minute, no, the second, I feel like I am keeping me higher than the other person, I feel completely selfish, and then do more than whats required, to make up to the person/situation which I might have not given a higher priority at first. 

And every such thing obviously takes all my me time, and I am left with goals and deadlines which I try and make for myself get postponed indefinitely. I am not complaining, nor am I saying, I don't like to do what I do, When I give others my priority, these others are not people off the street, but they are people who are extremely extremely dear to me. My mom always says, I should learn to keep myself first, coz, somewhere over the years she has forgotten how to give that to herself. 

Have I gotten it from her?

Or do I simply have a major inferiority complex?

I think it is the latter too, [if thats what u're thinking]. If its academics, or work, I know I can achieve it, come what may. If I have a deadline to meet, I will not sleep the entire night, to get it done. When it comes to studies, and I know I have to do it, I did. When I had a choice, I sometimes ended on the easier route. Procrastination - thats the word! I think I have been procrastinating certain things for so long, that it has become a part of life. 

I have accepted the fact that, there are no shortcuts anymore.Still, Why? Why haven't I been able to focus, and achieve my dream. 

At this juncture in life, I feel that all my dreams, all my ambitions, every single thing is dependent on this one dream. It might even cure me of my other problems. Then why? Have you seen True Blood? Season 1? In that a lady removes the demon from within a drunk lady. She doesn't really do anything, but it still works. Faith. Because of faith. Today, I am not only lacking Focus, I am also lacking Faith. I feel in a major major way like a loser in life. 

And I hate it. I hate losing. I hate this feeling. Being at this place, makes it feel, like I have noone, NOone, noOne, who'll really listen to what I have to say, and that makes me lose my conviction, in my own speech. Confidence, which is such a major portion of me, seems to be slipping away too. And I am trying very heard to not let that go.

With this heavy heart, I just don't want to type anymore. Hopefully the next time I sit to write, there's more positivity in what I want to say. 

Maybe the Delhi winters have dampened my spirits, in more ways than one! Life is to be lived and loved. It should be fun and frolic. 

It. Will. Be.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Delhi Diaries Part II - Friendships!

Friendships Change. Friends Don't. or is it the other way round?

I don't know and hence am confused. 

Two people, sworn to be best friends forever. Move in to live together[Mistake #1]. Figure out, what can be better than having your best friend living with you full time. Life in the same city, but with different sets of people. New friends, New relations, New House, New everything. Time moves on, and living in the same house, makes two best friends drift apart. 

You love your friend for all the fun and craziness they bring in your life, but you need structure and responsibility in a house-mate, right? Your home and all the responsibilities are left at home where your father and mother look after everything, you don't want a house-mate/friend telling you what is right and what is wrong, right? 

People Change. People Adapt. People Adjust. People Should. Man is a social animal, isn't he? Thank goodness they weren't married to each other. Otherwise, there would be another tale of Divorce. 

The two friends in some corner of their hearts still love each other (I think!) but situation has made it such that they cannot stand each others guts! 

It makes me uncomfortable, coz I love both of them, and somehow, it looks like I have made a choice, between the two of them. I didn't mean to. When issues and matters were small, I tried reasoning things out. But when it was blown out of proportion, I didn't do anything, mainly because:

- I didn't want to make a choice.
- I assumed two grown-ups will know how to handle their own issues, without having a kid interfere. 
- I - in my craziest dream - didn't imagine, that it'll last this long, and become this big!

Life, has taught me a great deal about friendships. And I want to list some of them here, to remind me someday incase I happen to forget:

1. Never Ever have money matters un-resolved between friends. It somehow brings its ugly face sooner or later to spoil any relationship.

2. Never forget birthdays. All those friends you made back when you were a kid, they don't know who you really are today, and honestly, they don't care. But they'll always remain special. Show them that.

3. Never EVER interfere in your friends relationships. Be friends with their better halves, but remember, ALWAYS - the person who introduced you to that person was your friend first. Let it stay that way.

4. When you meet friends of friends, do not at any point of time make your friend seem less important. If you're making any sort of plans, or you think your friendship with the new people seem increasing, Keep your friends in the loop. 

5. Be honest with a friend. You don't like something, say it. And just because you said it, don't expect your friend to change for you. If he or she feels you are right, they will take necessary action.

6. Accept them for who they are. Never judge them. They are your friends for a reason.

7. You don't need to be friendly to those people who were friends once, but don't respect you anymore. When competition / jealousy take over a certain friendship, it hasn't been friendship for quite some time now. Let go.

8. Stay in touch. [ I am majorly lacking here - and I feel soo soo soooo terrible, for not being able to do it]

As and when, I remember my other lessons, I shall list it down here, in my small little world. 

Now you maybe thinking, why the title of this post was Delhi Diaries?

Simply, I like the sound of it! :P :) 

Writing this, felt totally Liberating! I hope things improve, and love shall prevail!!