Saturday, June 5, 2010


This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 11; the eleventh edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Is it difficult to express your feelings?

Have you found the strange oppression in your throat when you are unable to say what you want to say?

How many times have you "Hidden" your feelings lately?

There was this boy. He intrigued me. Everything he did was fascinating. To me, he was my own superstar. His words, his thoughts, his movements, his eyes, everything about him was captivating. The way he danced, the way he his perfume lingered around, the way he could tell, I was lying by that one crooked look.

 It became a necessity for me to see he got everything he wanted. And he wanted a lot. It was like I was always playing "impromptu treasure hunt" with him. He wanted some girl - I help him get her. He wanted someone to talk to - I listen. He wanted some help with his journals - I do it. He wanted anything - and I got it for him. 

There were a million, no, a gazillion things happening around me at the time; but my mind wasn't entirely on any of those. It was on this boy. I thought I loved him. And by getting him everything he wanted - he could see that. I thought he could see that. I always, ALWAYS knew that he was way out of my league; I couldn't get him, no matter what.

Of the gazillion things happening around me, I also happened to meet this amazing boy who I actually fell in love with. It was simple, it was easy and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.Period. But in the back of my head I wasn't entirely happy because I had feelings - hidden feelings - for this other boy. I failed to see what I had with me because of him I didn't have. I started cursing my life as it was getting harder and harder to live with myself because I felt I was cheating me. 

Not the boy who loved me, but me. I also knew these feelings could never come out of me. It was the biggest sin - in my head - for these feelings to come out in the open. I knew it would destroy lot of friendships and shaken most of our lives. It was an obsession; it was unhealthy. I was blinded by these hidden emotions. I was living in some imaginary world. I let go of everything I had. My friends, my family, the boy who loved me and almost myself. 

I knew I had to grow out of this because it was killing me from inside. I sat and asked myself what this was. Was it some form of love? I didn't think so. Because I didn't want a future with him. I didn't want a life with him; but something in my system wanted him. And just when I had given everything up, and wanted to unhide those emotions which were within me for almost 4 years then; that one thing happened which made me lose that obsession or that thing I was too afraid to call anything. 

I fell head over heels in love, again. But with the same person who loved me. Not some third person. But him, who taught me what love is and how it is to love someone. I could see, for the first time, so clearly as to the kind of fool I had been. And shivers to think that I almost lost it. What happened to those hidden feelings? I told him [my him] all about the other him. And once it wasn't hidden anymore, I was able to breathe, to feel and to love all over again. 

My own superstar, as I had called him earlier, disappeared. That incessant need to be around him, or to get his approval on something I did, died down. Today I look back upon those years, I see how much I have already lost due to the things happening in my head and my heart. Friends, memories, time all lost to a feeling I had. I regret those days. But I am also very glad I am out of that phase. Thankful to every single person in my life who in some or the other way helped me live. 

And most thankful to my special someone, for making me believe that I don't need to HIDE any of my feelings and that no matter who we are, where we're from, n what we do, we'll always have each other!!

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Images from here and here


  1. Beautiful, All I want to say is you touched a deeper chord somewhere.
    All the best

  2. wow beautiful.
    I can somehow so understand this post...happens ...but good if we realize before we lose all we have.
    all the best

  3. even i felt that deeper chord! something like from a mom's point of view! was magnificent narration! :)

  4. Lovely!!
    And at times even if it is a lost love instead of this crave; time and love itself are the greatest healer!!
    Beautifully crafted feelings. Just moved me and inspired too :)
    Keep the charm.

    niyati :)

  5. Nice work Deeps! Definite food for thought. Hmmm.
    Leanne (aka Deep Fried Fruit)

  6. Poignant and touching.
    With a beautiful flow of thought and emotions.

  7. If only we can lose the fear of getting hurt,maybe many more emotions will be expressed , maybe many more bonds formed. I liked your post for it s sense of expression of unsaid love.something many people would identify with. Good stuff.

  8. If only we can lose the fear of getting hurt,maybe many more emotions will be expressed , maybe many more bonds formed. I liked your post for it s sense of expression of unsaid love.something many people would identify with. Good stuff.

  9. how did that happen...plz tell me how did that happen. I need help on this one

  10. lovely post. honesty is freeing.

  11. I don't know. It was, weird, I mean adorable in a way? All the best for BAT!


  12. aww, this was such a wonderful post.. i really, really liked it! all the best!

  13. fantabulous and splendid story....
    i think it happens with everyone of us at one point of time...
    balanced treatment....
    loved it....

  14. Hey Deeps, Pretty neat blog. Love it!
    Sure gonna stop by again
    Do visit me if u get a chance

  15. Nice one - an emotional conflict everyone faces sometime or the other. The most peaceful state to be in is to be the same person inside as your outside.

  16. beautiful post deeps!!!

    the conflict is the part of life!!

  17. greetings from Jakarta, Indonesia! just stopping by your thoughts and it's all great! i now subscribed your blog and cant wait to read more! :)


  18. beautifully done.... maintained the tempo of narration very well!

  19. Hello,

    Glad to have visited for I'm not disappointed at all! :) It's a lovely post! Talk about different phases in life and all the crazy things that life makes us do! phew! You've very well portrayed the reality of life. A no nonsense post.:) ATB with BAT

  20. How did I miss this all these days ?? Jus plain simple but awesome . All the girls emotions, the feelings of growing in and out of relationships, the pangs of looking for a 'one man to fit all' phase . :-loved it. Simple writing yet beautifully expressive

  21. Very nice!!! Loved the ending. True love is this, not admiration or crush on a super star someone to be admired and followed :)

  22. So I saw you on "dulce candy's" Blog. I wanted to invite you to follow my blog. I developed the idea for "Featured Followers by Elle © " where I promote my followers. Check out my blog @

  23. beautifully written and really deep. Thats a great topic and definately not easy to write on.I was so engaged until the last line.

  24. P.S: I didn't know this was a competition, until I started getting All the best messages here!! Not bad ki i bagged 2 votes.. *sheepish grin :D*

    @tikulicious: Thank you! :)

    @Scribbling Girl: I'm glad u can relate.. I like the stuff u write!! :)

    @Leo: Thanks a ton.. totally in love with ur writing.. :D :D - n mom's perspective? didn't quite figure.. ;)

    @magiceye:thank you!

  25. @niyati: so agree with you..! time and love are the greatest healers! *hugs* Thank you!! :D

    @Leanne: thanks dear!! :)

    @Brijendra: Thank you.. means a lot!

    @Gyanban: Congratulations on being one of the winners!! :)... Thank u soo much for the lovely comment.. means so much to me!!

  26. @Mayz: Ask me whatever, will tell you how!! :)

    @Lori: Thank u dear, it sure is!!

    @The Virgin Author: I think i know what u're talking about!!

    @Mehak: Thanks Dear...!! :)

    @Mahesh : Thanks a ton..!! I think so too.. :):)

    @beingzaraanzidan: I did visit you, n loved it! thanks for the comments..!

  27. @The Fool: and that peace is such a necessity! thank you!!

    @SId: Thank you!! *hugs*

    @mezotersenyum: Thank you!

    @gkam: Thanks!!

    @Sourav: :) :) :) mutual likingness!! :)

    @Raksha: I feel all those crazy things make us who we are today!! innit?? :) thank you!

  28. Hey Deeps,
    Here to thank ou for your vote that made me BATOM 11..Obliged! :D
    Tagging frommy other blog at Raisondetre.
    Hope you will follow it up..
    Would love to know more about this new blogger dost of mine..:D TC girl

  29. 愛情是一種發明,需要不斷改良。只是,這種發明和其他發明不一樣,它沒有專利權,隨時會被人搶走。..................................................................

  30. beautifully written, sorry read it so late.. but better late than never :-)