Saturday, June 5, 2010


This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 11; the eleventh edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Is it difficult to express your feelings?

Have you found the strange oppression in your throat when you are unable to say what you want to say?

How many times have you "Hidden" your feelings lately?

There was this boy. He intrigued me. Everything he did was fascinating. To me, he was my own superstar. His words, his thoughts, his movements, his eyes, everything about him was captivating. The way he danced, the way he his perfume lingered around, the way he could tell, I was lying by that one crooked look.

 It became a necessity for me to see he got everything he wanted. And he wanted a lot. It was like I was always playing "impromptu treasure hunt" with him. He wanted some girl - I help him get her. He wanted someone to talk to - I listen. He wanted some help with his journals - I do it. He wanted anything - and I got it for him. 

There were a million, no, a gazillion things happening around me at the time; but my mind wasn't entirely on any of those. It was on this boy. I thought I loved him. And by getting him everything he wanted - he could see that. I thought he could see that. I always, ALWAYS knew that he was way out of my league; I couldn't get him, no matter what.

Of the gazillion things happening around me, I also happened to meet this amazing boy who I actually fell in love with. It was simple, it was easy and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.Period. But in the back of my head I wasn't entirely happy because I had feelings - hidden feelings - for this other boy. I failed to see what I had with me because of him I didn't have. I started cursing my life as it was getting harder and harder to live with myself because I felt I was cheating me. 

Not the boy who loved me, but me. I also knew these feelings could never come out of me. It was the biggest sin - in my head - for these feelings to come out in the open. I knew it would destroy lot of friendships and shaken most of our lives. It was an obsession; it was unhealthy. I was blinded by these hidden emotions. I was living in some imaginary world. I let go of everything I had. My friends, my family, the boy who loved me and almost myself. 

I knew I had to grow out of this because it was killing me from inside. I sat and asked myself what this was. Was it some form of love? I didn't think so. Because I didn't want a future with him. I didn't want a life with him; but something in my system wanted him. And just when I had given everything up, and wanted to unhide those emotions which were within me for almost 4 years then; that one thing happened which made me lose that obsession or that thing I was too afraid to call anything. 

I fell head over heels in love, again. But with the same person who loved me. Not some third person. But him, who taught me what love is and how it is to love someone. I could see, for the first time, so clearly as to the kind of fool I had been. And shivers to think that I almost lost it. What happened to those hidden feelings? I told him [my him] all about the other him. And once it wasn't hidden anymore, I was able to breathe, to feel and to love all over again. 

My own superstar, as I had called him earlier, disappeared. That incessant need to be around him, or to get his approval on something I did, died down. Today I look back upon those years, I see how much I have already lost due to the things happening in my head and my heart. Friends, memories, time all lost to a feeling I had. I regret those days. But I am also very glad I am out of that phase. Thankful to every single person in my life who in some or the other way helped me live. 

And most thankful to my special someone, for making me believe that I don't need to HIDE any of my feelings and that no matter who we are, where we're from, n what we do, we'll always have each other!!

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Images from here and here